


What Is Said Is Not What Is Meant

by sereneasthesea



Category: Just Music Entertainment, Show Me the Money (Korea TV)
Genre: Break Up, Break Up Talk, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27528601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sereneasthesea/pseuds/sereneasthesea
Summary: Byungyoon gave up on Sungmin.
Relationships: Lee Byeongyoon | BewhY/Ryu Sungmin | C Jamm
Kudos: 3





	What Is Said Is Not What Is Meant

“I’m giving up on you,” Byungyoon whispered. He fisted both of his palms, solely to not reach out, to not give in. He stared down at the man in front of him with hopeless spark in his eyes. _What will he_ _do now_ , he thought, because he could never predict Sungmin.

“What?”

If Sungmin decided to beg—he wouldn’t—to ask him to stay, to not leave him, Byungyoon would stay. Byungyoon wouldn’t care about anything else, he just wanted Sungmin to face his own fear, to fight the world for Byungyoon instead. He wanted Sungmin to confront their fate, he wanted Sungmin to want him too. He wanted Sungmin.

“Byungyoon, I,” Sungmin said, and not finishing it because he was stunned, probably. “I,” he tried again, and stopped. It felt suffocating to look at him, it felt like it was hard for him to breathe too. “I don’t know what to say,”

Sungmin stepped closer as Byungyoon shied away, because Byungyoon didn’t want that. He wanted reassurance, he wanted Sungmin to be sure of his choice before going to him.

Sungmin was never sure, that was the problem.

Not even when Byungyoon kissed him, two years ago, tentatively at first. Not even when he kissed Byungyoon back. Not even when he felt like drowning, and came to Byungyoon because he had nobody else in mind that could help him. Not even when Byungyoon said he loved him.

That, Sungmin never replied to that.

“It’s okay.” Byungyoon nodded, and of course he was lying. Sungmin couldn’t even meet his eyes. Byungyoon gave up, after all. He turned, away from Sungmin, and took his leave.

“Why,” Sungmin croaked, and it wasn’t even a question. It was a bafflement; it was a genuine confusion. He wasn’t going to understand, was he.

Byungyoon let out a sharp breath that sounded like a sob. His brain was clouded as his eyes were, but he forced himself to face Sungmin once again. “Since this will be the last time—will you look at me properly?” He asked as softly as he could, because he knew he’d shatter Sungmin if he wasn’t delicate. He just hoped that the _I’m done hurting myself_ part was implied clearly.

Sungmin had irises that were too dark to be called brown, but too light still to be called black. They always looked bigger after Byungyoon touched him, or kissed him, or both. Or maybe, Byungyoon was just fantasising things. They were always honest though, because they sparkled when Sungmin was delighted. On some days when Byungyoon knew he had to apologise, those eyes absorbed light and didn’t reflect it back.

“You’re leaving me.” Sungmin blinked, as if he was trying to conceal the hurt but failed miserably anyway. He then blinked again, and again, and time seemed to stop for both of them. But his eyes turned red. “Why,” he repeated, still not a question.

He loved to think out loud. He spoke to himself in front of the mirror, Byungyoon had thought that it was cute and weird and it only made him love Sungmin even more. It helped him think, and Sungmin had said that it felt like brainstorming except that he was alone, but it worked for him anyway. Before Byungyoon, no one really wanted to hear him sorting out the mess inside his head. Byungyoon had laughed on that, because one would be very stupid to not love this human being. And that he was very grateful to be by his side.

“I’m leaving you,” Byungyoon bit his lip, the words felt bitter because it was true. What was he expecting, he didn’t know, because he didn’t want to leave, for god’s sake. “Instead of trying to reason it yourself, why won’t you ask me?”

“Is it because I—

“Ryu Sungmin,” Byungyoon called. Sungmin never liked it when people call him by his full name. He felt like he was about to get scolded. But Byungyoon wasn’t doing it on purpose, to annoy him; Byungyoon liked his name. It sounded beautiful, even if he thought about it now. “Do you ever love me back?”

Byungyoon was fine with every possibilities of answer. He’d made peace with himself, he understood that people would often want what they couldn’t have. He would be fine if Sungmin’s answer was a straight _never_ , but Sungmin was hesitating.

The silence was only getting stronger. Byungyoon wanted to move Sungmin’s fringe, so Sungmin could stare at him without any barrier, but he didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. So he didn’t.

“Because all I ever do is to love you, and love you even more, but you—I can’t fathom your feelings. You never told me,” said Byungyoon, steeling his heart and mind altogether. He never liked to hurt Sungmin, he never liked to see how dim those eyes became. He wanted to kiss them instead, telling that everything was going to be fine.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of my feelings.” Byungyoon murmured, and the flash of shock on Sungmin’s face was too obvious to miss.

“I’m not!” He insisted. He looked like he was gravely misunderstood, yet he wasn’t able to defend himself any better. Byungyoon knew, like he knew both of their birthdays by heart, that Sungmin loathed being misunderstood.

Of course, Sungmin was not afraid, not literally.

“It’s not that,” Byungyoon finally gave up and brushed Sungmin’s fringe aside, only slightly, but dear god, Sungmin was leaning into his touch. So what could he do, aside from keeping his trembling fingers as still as possible?

“You feel burdened by my feelings, don’t deny me that.” Byungyoon said, it was like explaining something impossible to a child. “And I don’t… I don’t want you to feel burdened.”

“I was waiting for you to end all of this. I was prepared, I was ready to accept that our—ten years of friendship would fall apart. It was me after all, who ignited the fire; it would be my consequences. But you didn’t.”

“Because I didn’t want to, Byungyoon, for fuck’s sake,” Sungmin words were harsh. Not because he was angry. He panicked. He was afraid, and Byungyoon didn’t know why.

Byungyoon sighed and dropped his fingers loose beside his body. “Because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

Sungmin shook his head lightly. He didn’t say anything.

“At first, you thought that it’d be fine. We were friends long before we were together, so you assumed that you’d reciprocate my feelings. But as how I couldn’t choose who I fall in love with, you can’t do that too. Or else you’d be cheating in life and it’s not very pleasing to see.” Byungyoon chuckled. Sungmin didn’t even look like he was pleased.

“What do you want me to say?” Sungmin asked, almost hopeless. He was really holding back, Byungyoon thought, because Sungmin was the type to lash out, and then he could forget about it.

Byungyoon smiled very fondly. “I just want you to listen,”

He realised that he ended up talking, but it flowed naturally from him and if he stopped, Sungmin would never understand. Not that there was a guarantee that he would, fully, but Byungyoon hoped he would.

“You’re still jumpy every time I’m near you in public places. Sometimes you disappear for days, and you never even try to tell me where you are, and I have to find out from your sister. Then you’ll come back like nothing ever happened and expected me to understand, while every time you do that I always think that you won’t come back, because even now, you can’t say what am I to you.”

“I’m sorry.” Sungmin whispered, and he lowered his eyes.

Byungyoon always forgave him. He never even considered that Sungmin was ever _too_ wrong for him to not understand, but he couldn’t tell Sungmin that. Instead, he said: “Don’t do that ever again to your next partner. Feel bad for them,”

Sungmin probably wanted to punch him.

He didn’t though.

Byungyoon thought that he had said everything he had in mind, he had said his good bye in a way. He had done everything he could think of and Sungmin wasn’t going to ask him to stay.

His last cue.

He took two steps backward, and it felt cold.

“Please stay healthy. Don’t skip breakfast too much,” he added, because the thought of _really_ leaving made him feel ill. Sungmin couldn’t take care of himself, he couldn’t even eat breakfast regularly. He always drank too much coffee, almost always complained that he had migraines. For god's sake, Sungmin couldn't take care of himself.

But Byungyoon was done hoping. He turned around, started walking in a ridiculously fast pace, and he braced himself to not run back to Sungmin.

“Good bye,” he whispered to the distance, as the cold wind swept his hair and made his nose a little red. It wasn’t the first snow tonight, he was glad, because ruining both of their memories of first snow wouldn’t be great.

It was for the best, he nodded to himself.

_It was for the best._

**Author's Note:**

> I lied when I said I was unbothered with the sudden marriage. This fic was made as a comforting remedy to myself, and honestly, I don't know why I feel better after hurting these two boys (in my imagination). Might as well just share it. Anyways.


End file.
